Nerd Jokes

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it is a hardware problem!

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!

Q: Did you hear about the software coder that got stuck in his shower for a week?
A: The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.

Q: When do astronauts eat?
A: At launch time!

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don’t need the sun!

Q: Why was 6 scared of 7?
A: Because seven eight nine! (Seven ate nine!)

Q: A tree, algae, and mushroom all said that they would build a robot, which one ended up
doing it?
A: The tree because he said that he wood.

Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism!

Q: Why did the incandescent ask more questions than the compact fluorescent?
A: He had more watts!

Pi and the square root of -1 (i) were having an argument, finally it got so heated i said to pi, “Why can’t you just be rational?” To which pi replied, “Get real!”

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician agree to take part in a psychology experiment. Each person is locked in a room with nothing but a single can of beans. After three days the researchers open each door in turn. In the first room they find the physicist happily scrawling equations across a wall, and the can of beans neatly popped open. They ask him how he opened the can and he says “Oh, it was quite elementary. I did all this (motioning to the equations on the wall) mathematics to find the weakest point. Then, I applied pressure to the these points.” They take their notes and move on to the next room, where the engineer is snoring in a corner. The can is lying beside him, a smashed pile of metal. They wake him and ask him how he opened the can, to which he replies “I battered it to its failure point.” Finally, they open the third door. There they find the mathematician holding the can, pacing back and forth, and muttering, “Assume the can is open. Assume the can is open…”

Mathematics is the first sine of madness!!!

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I’m so cool you have to measure me in kelvin.

A mathematician and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist says, “The measurement wasn’t accurate,” and the mathematician replies, “If exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code!

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Professor: What is the area of a circle?
Student: Pi R squared.
Professor: Pis are not square, pies are round!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

Hydrogen and Oxygen were bonding in a bath,
Gold walked in and say “Hey You” (Au),
Lets ring up Sodium and Potassium and have a party!
Sodium said “Na” and Potassium said “K”

"SPORTS" JOKES

 

1. Q: What is a ghosts favorite position in soccer?
A: Ghoul keeper.

2. Q: What is a cheerleaders favorite color?
A: Yeller!

3. Q: What is a Cheerleader's favorite food?
A: Cheerios!

4. Q: Why can't Cinderella play soccer?
A: Because she's always running away from the ball.

5. Q: Why did the basketball player go to jail?
A: Because he shot the ball.

6. Q: What do you call it when a dinosaur slides in to home plate?
A: A dinoscore!

7. Q: What animal is best at hitting a baseball?
A: A bat!

8. Q: What is harder to catch the faster you run?
A: Your breath!

9. Q: Why is tennis such a loud sport?
A: The players raise a racquet!

10. Q: Why do basketball players love donuts?
A: Because they dunk them!

11. Q: At what sport to waiters do really well?
A: Tennis, because they can serve so well.

12. Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to the fans.

13. Q: Why don't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.

14. Q: Why did the soccer say owwwwww?
A: Because the man kicked him.

15. Q: What is an insect's favorite sport?
A: Cricket!

Limericks

What is a limerick?
A limerick is a form of poetry/poem. It consists of five lines with the rhyme scheme AABBA. Meaning that the first, second and last lines rhyme while the third and fourth lines rhyme. The first, second and fifth lines are usually longer than the third and fourth. The last line in most limericks are humorous.

Examples of Limericks

1. There was a Young Lady whose chin

Resembled the point of a pin:

So she had it made sharp,

And purchased a harp,

And played several tunes with her chin.

2.  I Wish that my Room had a Floor! 

I don't so Much Care for a Door, 

But this Crawling Around

Without Touching the Ground

Is Getting to be Quite a Bore! 

3. There once was a wonderful star

Who thought she would go very far

Until she fell down 

And looked like a clown

She knew she would never go far.

4. There was once a fellow named Tim,

Whose dad never taught him to swim 

He fell off a dock, 

And sunk like a rock,

And that was the end of him.

5. There once was a young lady named bright

Whose speed was much faster than light

She set out one day

In a relative way

And returned on the previous night.

6. There was once a spotted brown cow,

Who lives in the pasture now.

She makes chocolate milk,

As smooth as silk,

And I don't know exactly how.

7. There once was a little brown cat.

That cat was sitting on my door mat,

It looked very hungry,

So I gave it some curry, 

And now that cat looks fat. 

8. There was an old man called Greg,

Who tried to break open an egg,

He kicked it around

But fell on the ground,

And found that he had broken a leg.

9. There was a young ghost called Doreen 

Who's name wasn't scary or mean.

She changed it to Boo,

And now it is true 

She's frightened by herself on Halloween.

10. There once was a turkey named Chummy,

Mom thought that he might be quite yummy.

He waddled away,

On thanksgiving day

But still ended up in my tummy!

BONUS

"SCHOOL" JOKES

1. Q: What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A: Stop going in circles and get to the point!

2. Q: Why did the kid study in the airplane?
A: Because he wanted a higher education!

3. Q: Why aren't you doing well in history?
A: Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!

4. Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school?
A: History, because it's full of dates!

5. Q: What is the smartest state?
A: Alabama, it has four A's and one B.

6. Q: Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
A: Student: I didn't even know it was sick!

7. Q: Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
A: Class: At once!

8. Q: Why didn't the two 4's want any dinner?
A: Because they already 8!

9. Q: Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
A: Student: You told me not to use tables.

10. Q: Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at John's exam?
A: Student: I hope you didn't either.

11. Q: Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
A: Student: Not really.

12. Q: What did the ghost teacher say to the class?
A: Look at the board and I will go through it again.

13. Q: Why did the teacher write on the window?
A: Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear!

14. Q. What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A. The teacher says throw out that gum and a train says chew, chew!

15. Q. Why can't you do a math test in the jungle?
A. There are too many cheetahs!

BONUS:
Once there was a boy who needed to do his home work. His homework was to write down his family's favourite words.
So when he got home he asked his mom who was listening to the radio, "What is your favourite word mom?"
"Shut up!" So he wrote that down.
Then he went to his dad who was watching football and his favourite team had just scored a goal, so the little boy asked his dad,"What is your favourite word dad?"
"Yeah!" So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his big sister and he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
She was listening to her favourite CD and said, "A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop." So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his brother. He was watching the end of Batman, he asked him, "What is your favourite word?"
"Nananananananana Batman!" so he wrote that down.
Then he went to his baby sister who was playing with her cars. So he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car." So he wrote that down.
The next day at school, the teacher asked him to share his homework with the class
He said, "Shut up!"
The teacher said, "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Yeah!"
"What do you think you deserve?"
"A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Nananananananana Batman!"
"What do you think you are going to get away with?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car."

HOLIDAY JOKES

1. Q: What do Santa's elves do after school?
    A: Their gnomework!

2. Q: What do snowmen like to eat for breakfast?
    A: Frosted Flakes!

3. Q: Why does Santa have a garden?
    A: So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

4. Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
    A: North Polish!

5. Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
    A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

6. Q: Who isn't hungry on Thanksgiving?
    A: The turkey, because he's already stuffed!

7. Q: What type of key is not good for opening doors?
    A: A Tur-key!

8. Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?
    A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!

9. Q: Why do students always do so poorly after Thanksgiving?
    A: Because everything gets marked down after the holidays!

10. Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
      A: He didn't have the guts!
 
11. Q: When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?
      A: When you are a mouse.

12. Q: What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
      A: You sure are Boo-tiful!

13. Q: Why was the baby ghost sad?
      A: He wanted his mummy!

14. Q: What do witches put on their bagels?
      A: Scream Cheese

15. Q: What did the vampire say about the Dracula movie?
      A: It was fang-tastic!

16. Q: Do you know how to make a witch itch?
      A: You take away the w!

17. Q: How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
      A: Lots of eggercise!

18. Q: What is a cow's favorite day?
      A: Moo-years Day!

19. Q: Why is St. Patrick's day most frog's favorite holiday?
      A: Because they are already wearing green

20. Q: What subject in school is easy for a witch?
      A: Spell-ing

Riddles and Jokes

1. Q. Why did the banana go to the hospital?
A: Because he wasn’t peeling well!

2. Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?
A: It ran out of juice!

3. Q: What do postal workers do when they’re mad?
A: They stamp their feet.

4. Q: Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?
A: The players dribble a lot.

5. Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

6. Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.

7. Q: What’s the tallest building in the world?
A: The library, because it has the most stories.

8. Q: Why did the class clown take a computer to school?
A: Her mom told her to bring an apple for the teacher.

9. Q: Where does Friday come before Monday?
A: In the dictionary.

10. Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.

11. Q: Why did the boy take a ladder to school?
A: He wanted to go to high school!

12. Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn’t take a bath?
A: Stinker Bell.

13. Q: Why did the melon jump into the lake?
A: It wanted to be a WATERmelon.

14. Q: Why was the boy sitting on his watch?
A: Because he wanted to be on time.

15. Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: The dentist is taking me out tonight.

16. Q: Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
A: Because he wanted to draw the curtains!

17. Q: Why did the gardener plant his money?
A: He wanted his soil to be rich!

18. Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: It needed a root canal.

19. Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.

20. Q: What kind of dress can’t be worn?
A: Address.

21. Q: Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?
A: She wanted to see a butterfly.

22. Q: Where do all the letters sleep?
A: In the alphabed.

23. Q: Which candles burn longer, bee’s wax or tallow?
A: Neither, they all burn shorter.

24. Q: Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?
A: Because he wanted to tie the score!

25. Q: Why did the tree get a computer?
A: To log on.

26. Q: Why don’t honest people need beds?
A: They don’t lie.

27. Q: There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn’t they get wet?
A: It wasn’t raining!

28. Q: What are pirate’s favourite treat?
A: Chips AHOY!!

29. Q: Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?
A: Because it gave him a big wave!

30. Q: Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn’t the other person’s hair get wet?
A: Because he was bald!

                                                                         BONUS

 

Knock Knock Jokes

1. Q: Knock, knock----Who's there?----Nobel----Nobel who?
A: No bell, that's why I knocked! 

2. Q: Knock, knock----Who's there?----Leaf----Leaf who?
A: Leaf me alone! 

3. Q: Knock-knock----Who's there?----Aaron----Aaron who?
A: Why Aaron you opening the door? 

4. Q: Knock, knock----Who's There?----Police----Police Who?
A: Police let us in, it's cold out here! 

5. Q: Knock, knock----Who's There?----Who----Who Who?
A: Is there an owl in there? 

6. Q: Knock, knock----Who’s there?----Dozen----Dozen who?
A: Dozen anybody want to let me in?

7. Q: Will you remember me in 2 minutes?----Yes.----Knock, knock.----Who’s there?
A: Hey, you didn’t remember me! 

8. Q: Knock, knock----Who’s there?----Justin.----Justin who?
A: Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

9. Q: Knock, knock!----Who’s there?----Ketchup----Ketchup who?
A: Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!

10. Q: Knock Knock!----Who's there?----Doughnut!----Doughnut who?
A: Doughnut ask, it's a secret.

                                                                        BONUS